'The typical Blockbuster interview consists of three questions'

1) "Is your heart beating?"

2) "Do you promise not to steal too much?"

3) "Can you start tonight?"

From an amusing story by Caroline E. Mayer which appeared in yesterday's Washington Post Business section.

The subject of the article was why lines at Blockbuster are always so long, and it was headlined, "A Perpetual State of Pause: Why the Line at the Video Place Stretches From Here to Eternity."

I haven't rented anything for so long, I don't recall when the last time was.

When you can buy a brand-new movie on DVD from amazon for what it costs to go to the theater, why would anyone bother making not one but two trips to Blockbuster to watch a copy that might be damaged, apart from the eternal wait in line?

Makes about as much sense as Frequent Flyer Miles or gift cards, two other losing propositions.

And since I never watch a movie a second time, I give mine away as soon as I've seen them, so that means two - or more - people get to watch it for the price I paid.

What surprises me about Blockbuster is not that the whole experience is so dismal, but that it's managed to stay in business this long.

It's sort of like the wry observation of Samuel Johnson

on the dog that walked, albeit poorly, on its hind legs: "The wonder is not that it walks so poorly, but that it walks at all."

Here's the Post piece.

A Perpetual State of Pause

Why the line at the video place stretches from here to eternity

If your spouse volunteers to help you run errands on a Friday night, and you get to choose between going to the supermarket and going to the video store, which would you choose?

For me, the answer is easy: the supermarket, because I know I'll be home and resting comfortably long before my husband.

He will undoubtedly find himself standing - and standing - in a long line at the video-rental place, waiting to check out.

Why should checking out a few simple and similar items at a video store take longer than buying a wide assortment of products at the grocery store?

Computers and scanning technology should have made the whole video checkout process a breeze.

But clearly they haven't, at least not at my neighborhood rental places, where even on a quiet weekday afternoon, I can find myself in line, waiting patiently (okay, sometimes not so patiently).

There are alternatives, I know: a Netflix subscription for DVDs that are mailed directly to your home, or the dozen pay-per-view features right there on your TV set, offered by the cable or satellite service.

But the first requires planning and it's hard to get new releases, and the second is usually a limited selection.

That's when the video-store opportunity - and problem - kick in.

Sometimes it's merely a matter of getting the attention of a clerk who's either chatting with another employee or scanning and stacking piles of returned movies.

But other times, as the line starts to snake around the store, the problem seems far more fundamental and vexing.

Greg Kahn, head of Kahn Research Group, a behavioral research firm that advises retailers and manufacturers, says it's simply the customer's fault.

"Most people don't have their checkout card, so essentially the clerk has to look up their information and check their ID."

And if the account is at another store, then the transaction can take some time.

Fair enough; but wait - when you forget your loyalty card at the supermarket or drugstore, it doesn't take minutes to complete the sale; you simply enter your phone number and you're done, finished, out of the store.

Why can't it be that simple at a video store?

Michael K. Roemer, Blockbuster's chief of North American operations, said it's the very nature of the business: Three of every four transactions are rentals, not sales.

"If you just bought a candy bar, you could be in and out in 10 seconds, but to rent a tape, we have to record who rented it, when it was rented. We have to make a record of it because it's going to come back. It's no different than renting a car."

Yet some car-rental companies manage to get their best customers in and out in a jiffy.

These "preferred" customers have their pertinent information on file.

But video stores have key information about their customers on file, too, so something doesn't seem to quite ring up.

Roemer said my experience, as well as those of friends and colleagues who nod in agreement when I complain, is unusual.

Once a month, Blockbuster sends in mystery shoppers to each of its 4,500 corporate-owned stores (an additional 1,100 are franchises) to measure customer service, including wait times.

The mystery shoppers visit only during the busiest times - Fridays and Saturdays between 5 p.m. and 10 p.m. - but even then, the average wait is 116 seconds, "so, less than two minutes," he said.

Don Rosenberg, publisher of Video Store Magazine, agreed, saying he has never heard complaints about long lines.

Instead, he said, the two biggest consumer gripes are about out-of-stock films and late fees.

But late fees may be the real impediment to speedy service, according to John Goodman, president of TARP (Technical Assistance Research Programs), an Arlington consulting firm that specializes in customer service.

Consumers think they have a tape for two days, but they really have to get it back by noon on the second day, he said.

"That means you didn't get it for two days.

It's almost like the fees are structured to play a 'gotcha,' " which customers are bound to protest, resulting in at least a slowdown, if not a complete halt, in the checkout process.

At most video stores, Goodman said, clerks are "fully unempowered."

They have been ordered to impose all late fees unquestioningly.

They can be waived only by a supervisor, who undoubtedly is somewhere in the back of the store.

By the time he or she arrives at the register, at least four more customers have joined the line.

"There's no list of good, trusted customers. Everyone is treated as a criminal, treated as being wrong until proven otherwise," Goodman said.

That attitude is hard on customers, as well as employees, Goodman noted.

"It's very hard maintaining a staff when they are taking a lot of abuse from customers for things the staff didn't do and can't fix.

The front-line employee is saying, 'I'm not getting paid enough to take all this.' "

So he or she leaves, creating tremendous turnover - and even more line bottlenecks as new employees learn the ropes.

John Farr is a consultant to the video-store industry, advising stores about their operations "from the front to the back door."

There's no question, he said, that "customer service has a long way to go."

So, too, do employee hiring and training.

Most of the employees are signed on through "panic hiring" when the last employee left for college or quit; there's no planning or anticipation of needs to create a perfect team, Farr said.

"They hire the first warm body coming through the door."

The typical interview, he added, "consists of three questions: 'Is your heart beating?', "Do you promise not to steal too much?' and 'Can you start tonight?' Training, to say the least, is abysmal, pretty much on how to handle the transaction and how to deal with late fees. It's never how to keep the customer."

Blockbuster says it has begun to use questionnaires to make sure applicants are the right fit for their stores.

One way to keep a customer would be better "queue management," said Geoff Wissman, vice president of Retail Forward, an Ohio consulting firm.

"It's not necessarily how long you wait in line but what you perceive" while you wait, he explained.

So if you are in a crowded grocery store and see only a few lines open, you feel worse than if every line were open and every employee were hustling, he said.

In supermarket lines, he adds, there also are more distractions, such as the magazines and celebrity tabloids.

If you don't want to be caught reading them, you can still scan the headlines, and before you know it, it's your turn.

Many video stores haven't figured out a way to "take your mind off the fact you're standing in line, waiting forever," Wissman said.

That's why, for the time being, you'll find me in the supermarket line.