bookofjoe

2 Women Enter, 1 Woman Leaves

Tonight's version of Thunderdome takes place where the original did: in Australia.

More precisely, on center court at the Australian Open, first leg of the Grand Slam.

In this corner: Serena Williams, rated #7 in the world.

She won the Australian Open in 2003, but sat out last year while recovering from knee surgery.

She looked to be in top form yesterday, blowing #2 seed Amelie Mauresmo of France off the court in straight sets, 6-2, 6-2.

In the other corner, 17-year-old Maria Sharapova, last year's Wimbledon winner, currently ranked #4 in the world.

Sharapova's already played five matches in brutal heat in Australia to get to today's highly-anticipated semifinal; she's been out on the court for 8 hours, 7 minutes, more than any other player still standing.

Yesterday, she scored a tremendous comeback victory over Svetlana Kuznetsova (4-6, 6-2, 6-2) in 90°+ temperatures.

Williams, in contrast, has spent 5:33 in reaching the semifinal.

Tonight's match starts in three hours, at 9:30 p.m. Eastern; it'll be on ESPN2.

I'll be watching, so the usual rule applies, to wit:

Don't bother knockin', 'cause I ain't unlockin'

Google Blogger Snuffed

Mark Jen started work at Google last week on Monday, January 17.

He decided to keep a diary in the form of a blog about what it was like.

He did - but he only lasted a week.

That is, his blog only lasted a week.

Google discovered it last night and instantly disappeared it down the memory hole.

He managed to get up five posts, including one describing his first day on the job, before he was discovered.

Wonder if they fired him - or worse....

Luckily for us, the blog's contents had already gone out by RSS (whatever the heck that means - it's way above my intellectual internet pay grade) and so are still available here.

Absolutely fascinating.

What would it be like if Big Brother was not scary and oppressive but, rather, warm and welcoming?

Read Mark's blog and you'll find out.

[via SB]

This just in: joehead SC informs me that an hour ago, Mark's blog went back up, with a sort-of apology to Google.

I - and Mark - am impressed with Google: they did not ask him to take anything down.

[via SC]

American Justice: 'The Jury Pool From Hell'

Two weeks ago in Memphis, Tennessee, prospective jurors showed up for a trial.

One candidate stood up during jury selection, announced, "Judge, I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite," then walked out of the courtroom.

Apparently he wasn't stopped by the bailiff.

Another stated he had alcohol problems, then reminisced about getting arrested for trying to pick up an undercover police officer posing as a hooker.

"I should have known something was up," the man said. "This woman had all her teeth."

When the prosecutor, Assistant District Attorney Amy Weirich, asked if anyone on the panel of prospective jurors had been convicted of a crime, one man said that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital after he almost shot his nephew.

He said he had been provoked because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.

The defense attorney for the case to be tried, Leslie Ballin, dubbed the group "the jury pool from hell."

Perhaps the comment of yet another prospect will shed more light on Ballin's characterization.

This candidate volunteered that he probably should not be on the jury because "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin as your lawyer, you're probably guilty."

The events in the case for which the prospective jurors had been called had taken place in a Tennessee trailer park.

A woman was accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick.

The woman, Ballin's client, was found not guilty.

[via Manuel Roig-Franzia, The Washington Post, and the Associated Press]

Cigarette lighters prohibited on airplanes beginning February 15

The U.S. Transportation Security Administration, along with the Department of Homeland Security, has announced that beginning Tuesday, February 15, cigarette lighters will be confiscated at all U.S. airline security checkpoints.

However, you will still be allowed to pack a lighter in your checked baggage.

No rules - as yet - have been promulgated prohibiting the carrying of matches on board.

I'm somewhat surprised lighters have ever been permitted as checked baggage, much less remain so: after all, they contain flammable liquid, which is among the prohibited items noted in the litany at the post office.

But wait - there's more.

Several weeks ago, the Homeland Security Department and the FBI released an advisory note warning airport security officials about not only cigarette lighters, but also altimeters and wristwatches.

MSNBC stated that terrorist organizations are using Casio brand wristwatches with an altimeter function to construct explosive devices.

The advisory noted that the Casio brand is preferred because it is cheap and widely available around the world.

How much longer, do you think, before wristwatches are prohibited on airplanes?

Just one more thing to leave at home, along with your Swiss army knife, knitting needles, and the like.

It could be worse: just in, the news that smoking in all San Francisco public parks is now prohibited.

It's coming from both sides these days, isn't it?

The right, the left, everybody's got a reason to pass a law to limit one more thing.

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

Pretty soon, the cheese is all gone.

BehindTheMedspeak: Eating two poppy seed bagels CAN make you test positive for narcotics

I thought that this was another of the "alligators in our sewers"-type urban legends until I read Anahad O'Connor's piece on the subject in the January 11 New York Times Science section.

Every week, he takes a claim like this, then investigates it for his "Really?" feature.

He delved into the subject of poppy seeds and heroin, both of which come from the opium poppy, with Dr. Timothy P. Rohrig of the Regional Forensic Science Center in Kansas.

O'Connor wrote,

• "Eating a couple of bagels heavily coated with poppy seeds can result in morphine in a person's system for hours, leading a routine drug test to come back positive."

• Because of this possibility, the federal government recently raised the threshold for opiates in workplace testing to 2,000 nanograms a milliliter, up from 300.

So stick to sesame seeds on judgment day, would be my advice.

Kellaway, Tomkins, Skapinker and Sanghera

No, it's not a law firm in New York City, nor is it a venture capital powerhouse on Sand Hill Road in the Valley.

But these names do represent capital of a different, even more valuable nature: intellectual capital.

The Financial Times is currently renting their collective services.

In order, then:

Lucy Kellaway

Richard Tomkins

Michael Skapinker

Sathnam Sanghera

They're four premier weekly columnists for the "pink paper" (here in the U.S., whenever I'm reading it in public, people come up to me and ask, "how come that paper's pink?" I still haven't found a smarty-pants answer I like, so I tell them what I think is the truth: to set it apart from all the others. But I could be wrong, and I'm sure a joehead out there will set me straight shortly. But I digress).

Andrew Gowers, the editor of The Financial Times, is on my Rolodex and returns my emails: I'm sure he realizes that only by the grace of God does he retain the services of this British "Gang of Four."

They are among the paper's most precious (brace yourself, Lucy: here it comes; in fact, better squeeze your eyes wide shut) "intellectual and spiritual DNA."

Oh, that truly is a dreadful term, isn't it?

I take it back.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

The value of the four columnists of the (erstwhile?) financial apocalypse.

These people are not chopped liver.

No matter how much money they're being paid - and it better be plenty, or else I'll show up at the next annual meeting with my posse and make a huge stink - it's not close to enough.

Because they cannot be replaced.

Not in your most relaxed, hypnosis-assisted dream.

You cannot go out and get someone to replace Shaq if he gets hurt; James Pinkston and L.J. Smith are fine receivers, but without T.O. we all know the Eagles are going down in Jacksonville. But I digress once more, don't I?

What, do you imagine you're gonna wander around Croydon and find a replacement for Kellaway?

I don't think so.

Give these superstars what they deserve.

I think doubling their salaries, retroactive to January 1 of this year, would be a start.

Sure hope I don't get 'em into trouble: that tends to happen with people who associate with me.

135 Energy Drinks

Here's a wonderful website.

This guy has compiled a list of 135 energy drinks, all with photos and most with his personal, oftimes hilarious reviews.

There's "Guru" -

"This tasted like dirt."

And "Rip It" -

"This is my newest favorite energy drink, as I type this I've only had 2, but in a couple days I'm heading back to Albertson's and picking up an entire case cuz it's on sale for only a buck each. It had a very different flavor. I will jot down some notes after I have another one."

Then there's "Wonderfarm" -

"This is the most bizarre energy drink I've ever had. It looked like a clear gel with little white beads in it. It tasted a little like vanilla. And you almost had to chew it. I love this stuff!!! Maybe because it's different and weird."

How about "Diet Rockstar"?

"Diet Rockstar is an oxymoron if you ask me. If you're one of the few saps who likes the flavor of "diet," then this one is for you."

Or perhaps it's a "Monster Assault" kind of day -

"This one tasted like crap. I was pissed, with a cool-looking can like this one you'd expect a great flavor, well I was wrong."

Feel like something with a little Latin flavor?

How about "Lipovitan"? -

"My brother-in-law brought this back from Mexico City. Tasted average, but the aftertaste was really bad."

And, finally, the apocalyptically-named "DefCon3" -

with a name like that, it's hard to believe it hasn't been declared "Official Beverage of the Department of Homeland Security."