Roger Clemens Quarter

And you thought you had to be dead to be on a U.S. coin.

You were so wrong.

Turns out that you can now own any of 81 different genuine U.S. quarters, each with a colorized likeness of a major league ballplayer.

The Merrick Mint makes them and sells them at Walgreen's and online for $5.99 apiece.

Talk about a license to print money....

Sports Illustrated featured the quarters in its latest (May 2) issue, stating "The coins are legal tender."

Huh?

I always thought it was against the law to in any way alter or deface U.S. coins or currency.

Guess not, if these coins are out there — and have been, apparently, for years — without the Feds clamping down.

I had my crack research team look into this, and they brought back the following:

Title 18 United States Code, Section 331

Whoever fraudulently alters, defaces, mutilates, impairs, diminishes,
falsifies, scales, or lightens any of the coins coined at the mints of
the United States, or any foreign coins which are by law made current
or are in actual use or circulation as money within the United States;
or

Whoever fraudulently possesses, passes, utters, publishes, or sells,
or attempts to pass, utter, publish, or sell, or brings into the
United States, any such coin, knowing the same to be altered, defaced,
mutilated, impaired, diminished, falsified, scaled, or lightened —

Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five
years, or both

So I guess writing on, coloring, and otherwise altering dollar bills and quarters and all is perfectly fine and dandy as long as you don't try to use the money fraudulently.

Thus, it would appear to this brain–dead anesthesiologist that it's OK to mess up money all you like.

Who knew?

Aren't you glad I exist?

I am.