bookofjoe

Wild Rice

Well, the rice ball was a huge success, with superb rice and no fuss, just as advertised.

So now it's time to get serious about rice.

That means wild rice, the real thing, hand–harvested in narrow canoes by thrashing the rice stalks with "cedar flails or knocking sticks not more than 30 inches long."

It's Minnesota law.

Gibbs Wild Rice in Deer River, Minnesota does it that way so I just ordered from them.

They point out on their informative website that wild rice expands to four times its original volume as it cooks, so I must remember not to half fill the rice ball as I did with store–bought brown rice lest the device explode in the pot.

Their top–of–the–line Cranberry Portage Wood Roasted Wild Rice is $10.60 for a one–pound box here.

Spa 2 Go

"The rejuvenating and luxurious effects of hot tubs are well known. But unless you want to spend a fortune on labor and installation, hard–shell hot tubs are not always an option."

True enough.

"Featuring a relaxing full body 'turbo wave' massage, this hot tub is easy to install and inflates quickly by connecting an attachment to the blower motor on the power pack."

Digital control panel for temperature control.

"The Spa 2 Go is a 4–seat portable hot tub with an ultra–comfortable cushioned bottom and side panels — you can take it with you wherever you go."

You could even bring it to work — if you worked here. But I digress.

Comes with a "high–quality filtration system and locking thermal cover."

Outside diameter 82"; inside diameter 58"; height 28".

Weighs 68 pounds (empty).

Holds 250 gallons of water (not included).

"Made of extremely durable 20–gauge K80 vinyl, which is used in many inflatable kayaks and boats to withstand rips and tears."

Was $899 — now priced to move fast at $799 here.

Get your summer on.

BehindTheMedspeak: If you have an implanted neurological stimulator do not get an MRI

This past Tuesday the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued an alert about a newly reported hazard in patients who have implanted neurological devices such as deep brain and vagus nerve stimulators.

Twelve patients with such implanted stimulators have incurred neurological injuries (eight serious) including coma and permanent impairment while undergoing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI).

The FDA said that brain tissue surrounding the electrodes at the ends of the devices' wires was damaged by heating of the wires by radio waves generated by the MRI machines.

The FDA noted that any type of implanted neurological stimulator, including spinal cord stimulators, peripheral nerve stimulators and neuromuscular stimulators pose similar hazards.

'Turn yourself into a human submarine'

That's what it says on the website of the cheery yellow Sea Scooter.

"Dive, dive, dive!"

"Explore the uncharted depths of the undersea world without breaking a sweat."

Sounds cool, what?

"You don't need to be a submarine commander to operate it."

Good, 'cause I'm only the XO.

"A brisk pulling speed of up to 2 mph; submerge to depths of up to 30 feet."

Why, there's lots to be seen at that depth.

"Dive for a sunken Spanish galleon overflowing with priceless treasure."

Where do I sign up?

For $149.95 you can be the ruler of your very own underwater empire.

Cheap at twice the price.

Not recommended for bathtubs unless your name is Hadrian.

'Kinky For Governor' — Campaign picks up speed with parade

Kinky Friedman (above) — country singer, mystery writer, and all–around gadfly — is set to lead tomorrow's Art Car Parade in Houston, Texas, kicking off his road to the 2006 election for governor of Texas.

According to a Houston Chronicle article by Kristen Mack, he's practicing his wave.

He plans go with the "Queen Elizabeth," since he once dressed up in drag for the cover of Texas Monthly.

Don't laugh — Kinky is a lot smarter and more personable than Jesse Ventura.

I believe he's gonna be the next governor of Texas, and regardless of whether he wins or loses, he's gonna have a blast running, unlike the dead white men in suits walking who'll be running against him.

Should be by far the best campaign in the nation next year.

From the Chronicle article:

"Every journey of 1,000 miles starts with a cash advance," Friedman said.

"They are dismissing us. They make light of us," he said of his state's major parties.

But he said his campaign "feels righteous. It feels good. And I'm a dealer in hope. I'll be the accidental governor."

I'm wit Kinky: "Hope is Dope."

Good slogan, what?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

Yesterday's New York Times featured an ad for "The Movado Diamond" (above).

"Our 114–facet cut is so unique, it's patented. Featured: round solitaire diamond earrings in our exclusive Moderna setting."

Memo to Movado: that's one ugly setting you're pushing.

I mean, look at the classic Tiffany round diamond solitaire earrings (below).

Even in the photos it's clear the Tiffany setting is glamorous and elegant, way beyond the Zales look of the Movado.

Do they think we're idiots?

Tsukushi — My kind of restaurant

Peter Meehan, in this past Wednesday's New York Times Dining Out section, glowingly reviewed a restaurant named Tsukushi.

He noted that for years the restaurant was completely anonymous, just a blank door with a black awning over it.

Only recently have the owners added the name Tsukushi to the awning, in little white letters (above).

There's no menu: everything is omakase.

The chef, Noriko Manabe, works alone or with one other cook, "dispatching the food himself, darting in and out of a kitchen hidden behind louvered shades."

Meehan noted that other diners were being served things not included in his meal, so he asked the waitress how that came to be; she replied that Meehan could have had what the others were having if he had asked.

But as he noted, "How were we to know?"

Now you're getting to what makes this restaurant so appealing to me: it's illogical, and illogic has a mighty attraction for me.

But wait — there's more.

When Meehan phoned chef Manabe to tell him that his restaurant was going to be favorably reviewed in the Times — something almost every chef and restaurant owner can only dream of — Manabe said that "he was not eager to be reviewed, because an influx of newcomers might tax his ability to serve the clientele he's established over the last five years."

I'll be stopping by when my World Tour hits Gotham.

Count on it.

BehindTheMedspeak: 'No Hair Left Behind' Trimmer

Funniest product name of the year nominee, no question.

This nose hair trimmer (above) has got what the others only wish they had: a built–in "powerful vacuum pump that actually removes water."

Water?

What's that doing in my nose?

And how can I be sure it's not cerebrospinal fluid accompanying the inadvertent brain biopsy I've performed by inserting the thing too far? But I digress.

"Here's a little–known fact about nose hair trimmers: the particles that don't come out of your nose could lodge in your lungs and become cancerous."

Well — did you know that?

'Cause I sure didn't.

"No one knows what hair in the lungs will do to you but why take the chance?"

Indeed.

A compelling argument.

That's what drove the team of Swedish doctors who designed this machine to "guarantee that all hair will leave your nostrils because it contains a powerful fan that sucks the air — and hair — right out of your nose."

Can your current nose hair trimmer do that?

Didn't think so.

"We challenge you to test it. Dip it in water and see for yourself."

"The water will flow out like a fountain at a rate of one gallon per two minutes."

Impressive — no question.

"Makes a great conversation piece."

Huh.

Guess it all depends on who you friends are, I suppose.

"We're betting people will want to try it, too."

Whoa, wait just a minute — that's where I draw the line.

"Look better and breathe easier with the 'No Hair Left Behind' Trimmer — guaranteed to satisfy your nose and your lungs."

Because someone, some time, has to finally step up and speak for your lungs.

If not now, when?

$29.95 here.