Mega M&Ms — A size too far

For me, at least.

I tried my first bag last week and that will also be my last.

They're too darn big, are these new M&Ms on steroids.

They're said to be 55% bigger than the regular size ones but they feel much larger than that in the mouth.

Of course, after decades of getting used to the default setting anything new is bound to be disruptive at first, but I don't see how these new ones could ever replace the old stand–by in my confection affection.

First, the ratio of chocolate to shell is all wrong.

There's too much chocolate, which is understandable since the volume of a solid increases faster than its surface area, if my dim recollection of high school geometry serves me correctly.

Second, you don't know whether to suck them like a lozenge or just crunch them.

With the regular ones it's always clear what to do with any given M&M.

I always start by lovingly placing one in the little virtual pocket between my upper gum and cheek, the one where my wad of chewing tobacco would go if were more of a man and less of a wuss. But I digress.

For a while I was enamored of M&M minis but they got tiring: just too fussy and they didn't last very long when you sucked them.

I found them rather unsatisfying "in the crunch" — as it were — as well.

The little tubular container with the handy hinged flip–off top served admirably, though, as a container for inline skate bearings.

M&Ms spokeswoman Joan Buyce told CNN the new Megas come in "adult–oriented" colors including teal, beige, maroon, gold, brown and blue–gray.

Well, no wonder they didn't work out for me.

No, it's all about Goldilocks and her porridge.

Not too big, not too small — I want my M&Ms to be just right.

Just like they always were and still are.

Color me old–fashioned even if not an adult.

I am reminded of André Malraux's conversation with George Bernanos, author of the singular "Diary of a Country Priest."

Bernanos told Malraux he had learned three things from a lifetime of taking deathbed confessions.

The most significant, he said, was that "There is no such thing as an adult."