Melon Ease

No, not a Barcalounger for the honeydew.

Rather, it's a kind of medieval–looking device (yes, I know they didn't have plastic and stainless steel back then but jeez, cut me a little slack along with my cantaloupe here, will ya?) that will do wonderful things with your melons if you give it the chance.

From the website:

Slice fresh melons with ease, using this time-saver!

Simply cut melon in half, remove seeds, push Melon Ease down into center and turn the easy–grip handle.

In seconds you'll have perfect slices to serve, add to salads or enjoy as a snack!

Plastic and stainless steel.

Dishwasher safe.

6.5"H x 5.75"D.

$14.99 here.

Here's a joke I made up back in junior high (Steuben, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, if you must know):

Q. How do you characterize a couple who are compelled to marry in an elaborate ceremony?

A. Can't elope.