Brain-dead at American Express

My best friend is the only person I know with an American Express Black Card.

Long story short: you don't apply for it because you can't.

It's kind of like the fiscal equivalent of Skull and Bones: you don't call them, they call you.

Basically, you have to charge at least $100,000 a year on your American Express card before the penny drops over at Black Card Central.

I think it costs $5,000, maybe $10,000 a year just to have the card.

Among the services they offer is a 24/7 toll-free hotline from anywhere in the world that will

1) Answer within two rings and not put you on hold, and

2) Bail you out of jail — no questions asked

Anyhow, my bud last month told me that Amex had just sent him its latest wrinkle: the new "Titanium Black Card."

So what? I said.

He said, you don't understand: it's actually made of titanium instead of black plastic.

I said (remember, this is before the British plane bomb threat), that's the dumbest thing I ever heard of; the card will set off the metal detector at airport security.

He said, no, I'm sure they thought of that and that it won't; I mean, they wouldn't be stupid enough to not realize that.

Cut to his recent trip to Utah: he went through the security gate like always and it went off — not like always.

The security guy said, It's probably your belt buckle.

My friend said, I'm not wearing a belt.

Long story short: it was the titanium card; once he took it out of his wallet and put it in the little bowl, he walked right through with his wallet in his pocket, no problem.

I wonder how much they pay the brain-dead marketing people at American Express to think up stuff like this.

Probably more than you pay me.