World's First Remote-Control Auto-Shutoff Massaging Foot Warmer

Of course, implicit in the headline above is a recognition that you don't consider living iterations, à la a cat or dog that snuggles atop your chilly feet and every now and then shifts its position.

But I digress.

From the website:

Massaging Foot Warmer

Our plush bootie combines massage and heat to soothe aching muscles and increase circulation.

Slip in your tired, sore feet and let the two gentle vibrating motors relax foot tension.

Its soft, comfortable liner is cozy and warm, cushioning your toes, feet and ankles.

Remote lets you choose massage, heat — or both.

Cord is extra-long so you can sit back and control massage from a relaxed position.

Auto-shutoff after a 30-minute massage.

Included AC adapter is UL-approved.

IMPORTANT: Any individual who is pregnant, has a pacemaker, suffers from diabetes, phlebitis and/or thrombosis, or is at an increased risk of developing blood clots due to recent surgery should consult with a physician before using a massaging device designed for home use.

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That was easy, huh?

Aren't you glad you have me?

$65.

After a painstaking pixel-by-pixel analysis of the photo at the top of this post — using some of the most advanced proprietary imaging software on the planet (In-Q-Tel: address all inquiries to our marketing department. Wait a minute... do we even have one? Note to file: email Shawn Lea and have her setup a Potemkin equivalent. But I digress) — it would appear that the device consists of a single external shell with two compartments for the feet: one for the left and one for the right.

That makes sense.

But nota bene, booboo: if you suddenly attempt to rise from your blissful massage so as to head to the kitchen for a brewski or whatever, momentarily forgetting that your footwear is not forward (or backward, for that matter) motion-compatible,

you will fall flat on your face, possibly fracturing your skull if you have a wood, cement, stone or tile floor and necessitating a trip to the hospital for an emergency craniotomy by one of Dr. Firlik's peers.

This is not a good thing, as Martha might say.