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November 22, 2017

Bacon Express

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All possible love to Rhik Samadder (above), whose Guardian "Kitchen  Gadgets" feature has quickly become not only my favorite feature in that paper but also my favorite feature anywhere.

He wrote, "This toaster for bacon is the abomination we deserve. It looks like a clutch bag for meat, and left my house smelling like a Gloucester Old Spot for a week."

But wait — there's more!

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Bacon Express is a heated trapezoid enclosed by hinged metal plates. Thin cuts of cured pork are laterally arranged and cooked on the element.

Climate change, developing-world debt, Baywatch rebooted with Zac Efron – all things for which history will judge us poorly. Yet they don't have the moronic clout of this week]s abomination: a bacon toaster. A toaster, but for bacon. I love bacon, but what is going on? It's actually called Bacon Express, which is somewhat zippier. The idea is to lay rashers of thick or thin bacon over a hot, pommel horse-like structure at the center of the device, close up the sides like a burning metal briefcase, and wait for the bacon to cook within.

Despite my initial monumental prejudice, the machine does express an audacious, low-key luxury: crisp art-deco lines, Orient Express font, triple-striped silver trim. It is weirdly classy, like a valise or an upmarket clutch. I hold it, picturing myself a social climber with a noir-ish background, turning heads at a debutante ball. ("Those jealous high society girls would never know the secret of her dazzling allure — a briefcase full of bacon!")

Snapping back to reality, I arrange six streaky rashers like wet socks on a radiator. The engineering of the device is as shonky as the graphic design is good. One hot metal plate keeps detaching from its wing and jamming upright; I have to push it down with a wooden spoon. During cooking, it starts to pop open, which is actually helpful because you can't see what is happening inside as you can with a grill or pan. Overcooked bacon is a clear danger here, despite the illuminated timer dial. Forget the name — Bacon Express does not cook faster than other methods and is quite a lot more dangerous. It's a good advertisement for ovens, though, which have extractor hoods. Here, smoke billows and fat renders and solidifies in the crumb tray, making the house stink for days. You would think a Glade plug-in flavored like a Gloucester Old Spot is a dream come true; I promise you it is not. Streaky rashers are lovely, but to stuff a satchel with them is insanity. Don't go bacon my heart. (I couldn't if I fried.)

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£44.95 (bacon not included).

November 22, 2017 at 08:01 AM | Permalink


Comments

TECHMOAN did a review on it a couple of months ago:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Ae7dmKxXc

Good channel by the way.

Posted by: Fred | Nov 23, 2017 2:58:06 AM

I've seen a couple of reviews of the Bacon Express. It's not really anything new. I've seen an old magazine (Popular Science?) from the 30s with the "Kitchen Of The Future" featuring a vertical Bacon cooker and Sears and others actually made something very similar (but more dangerous) prior to the '70s.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/112183144/vintage-sears-smokeless-vertical-broiler?show_sold_out_detail=1

https://www.etsy.com/listing/474508986/vintage-1970s-retro-harvest-gold-presto?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=broiler&ref=sr_gallery_8

Posted by: PupTentacle | Nov 22, 2017 11:46:12 AM

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