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August 17, 2018

Live large: butter your toast on BOTH sides

Why did no one ever tell us you could do this?

How come I had to discover it for myself yesterday?

It's way more than twice as good.

File under "Better late than never."

P.S. Other things you can do (or not do, as the case may be) that no one mentions:

• Don't bother putting your account number on checks like the payment slip instructs (they'll do it for you, trust me — think they're not gonna cash your check otherwise? Besides which, it helps fight unemployment)

• Use a postage stamp that's missing a piece 'cause you were unable to separate it properly from its neighbors — I've never had such a letter with a messed-up stamp come back to me marked "Insufficient postage" (or marked anything else for that matter)

You got one too? Post a comment.

August 17, 2018 at 12:01 PM | Permalink


Comments

All right, then.
Thank you for the detailed description of your technique.
I will try it out and report back to you, as soon as I have bread and butter in my larder.

What kind/brands of bread and butter do you use, by the way? I want my reproduction as close as possible to the original so that second-rate ingredients won't deprive me of the total experience of soft and unctuous texture and ethereal mouthfeel.

Posted by: Flautist | Aug 18, 2018 7:42:05 AM

Flautist,

As is usually the case, you cut right to the chase.

Allow me to amplify on technique.

1) "Hmm... I don't know about that buttering both sides of the toast thing. When you butter the second side, are you holding the toast grease-side down in your hand? "

When you butter the second side (we implicitly agree here to base our discussion on a conventional view of the world as the only world — as opposed to Hugh Everett's "Many universe" theory which posits the existence of myriad worlds in which bread has more [or less] than two sides), best results ensue when you hold the bread by its crust, "grease-side down" as you so elegantly phrased it, thus avoiding the dreaded "butter fingers."

2) "Do you place it on a plate that way, risking some potential butter removal and defeating the two-buttered-sides purpose?"

Yes. If you apply butter the way I do, slathering it on, losing some to the plate — paper, plastic, or porcelain — won't matter.

3) "At least with the one-side method, you stand a small chance of keeping the grease off your fingers."

Certainly a better chance!

4) Maybe just load the one side with twice the amount? Saves buttering time and insures that you get your full dose.

Ah, here's the magic of my double-side technique©®: the melted butter soaks in from both directions, rendering the bread luxuriously soft and unctuous in texture all the way through, creating mouthfeel that's like nothing else — well, like few things — on Earth.

Posted by: bookofjoe | Aug 18, 2018 5:31:08 AM

🤔Hmm... I don't know about that buttering both sides of the toast thing. When you butter the second side, are you holding the toast grease-side down in your hand? Do you place it on a plate that way, risking some potential butter removal and defeating the two-buttered-sides purpose? At least with the one-side method, you stand a small chance of keeping the grease off your fingers. Maybe just load the one side with twice the amount? Saves buttering time and ensures that you get your full dose.

Posted by: Flautist | Aug 17, 2018 9:26:18 PM

When your house is getting that pig sty look but dammit, somebody calls and tells you they're gonna be making an impromptu visit in 30 minutes, don't bother with a frenzied attempt at cleaning. Just haul out the vacuum and a load of cleaning rags and sprays, spread everything out in the room you'll visit in, and act real exhausted when they arrive.

Posted by: Flautist | Aug 17, 2018 9:11:07 PM

Don't bother filling in the "Amount Enclosed" line of a bill paid by check.

Posted by: xoxoxoBruce | Aug 17, 2018 4:32:17 PM

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