bookofjoe

The Edges Of Time — by Kay Ryan

It is at the edges
that time thins.
Time which had been
dense and viscous
as amber suspending
intentions like bees
unseizes them. A
humming begins,
apparently coming
from stacks of
put–off things or
just in back. A
racket of claims now,
as time flattens. A
glittering fan of things
competing to happen,
brilliant and urgent
as fish when seas
retreat.

Magnetic Bullet Holes

"Realistic magnetic bullet holes give your vehicle a look that everyone will be talking about."

Excellent prank.

"No glue or adhesvie needed — simply apply to any clean steel surface."

Made of flexible rubber ferrite and guaranteed to permanently maintain their magnetic power.

"Authentic gray coloring looks like your [or your victim's] paint has been blasted down to the primer."

Weatherproof and car wash resistant, they remain firmly in place even at highway speeds.

"Can be repositioned or removed easily."

Each bullet hole measures about 1.5" across.

$4.98 for a set of 6 here.

BehindTheMedspeak: Does organic food cause Parkinson's disease?

Neurologist J. Timothy Greenamyre has shown, in animal studies published in the journals Experimental Neurology and Journal of Neuroscience in 2003, that rotenone — a pesticide often used in organic farming because it is made from natural products — is capable of inducing protein aggregation, killing dopamine–producing neurons, inhibiting cellular energy–producing organelles, and causing subsequent motor deficits.

The question arises: is organic safer, or simply a more expensive way of getting sick?

I just read of the association between the rotenone and Parkinson's disease in a sidebar to an article about Parkinson's that appeared in the July issue of Scientific American.

I asked my crack research team to look more deeply into the matter and they brought back evidence that as far back as the year 2000, Greenamyre and his research team had found and published evidence for a possible cause–and–effect relationship.

Read this story and see for yourself what's been out there and under the radar for at least five years now.

I'm sure you won't be reading about this association in any magazine on the newstand at Whole Foods so it's a good thing you stop by here every so often.

Futuristic Hookless™ Shower Curtain

No hooks to annoy you when you hang it up; no more ripped hole surrounds and resulting sags in your shower curtain.

"You simply snap the embedded rings over the rod and it's installed!"

Comes in beige or white.

Magnets on the bottom along with a "sonically–welded bottom hem."

Maybe it is from the future, what with the sonic welding.

Haven't come across that before, in a shower curtain or anywhere else for that matter.

$37.99 here.

I hate to be a party–pooper but I would be remiss if I failed to point out that there's no accompanying liner with the same advanced hookless technology.

Why I'm hugely amused by Carl Icahn

From a story about Icahn (above) last month in the Wall Street Journal:

A self–described "obsessive," Mr. Icahn says nobody can touch his desk.

"It's a cardinal sin," he says.

"I keep the papers in a certain way, just the way I like them."

He says he identifies with aviation pioneer Howard Hughes's obsessive personality.

Mr. Icahn divides his time between a New York apartment and his estate in East Hampton, New York.

On the estate's grounds, a total of 55 telephones are available to satisfy Mr. Icahn's constant wish to talk business.

His wife, Gail, says that "if we're at home and I want to talk to him in the morning about our dinner plans," she'll phone him — it's faster than waiting for him to hang up on another caller.

Mr. Icahn often stays up until 2:30 a.m., sometimes walking city streets late at night talking by cellphone to a small group of analysts and lawyers.

Lawyer Peter Wolfson recalls being called by Mr. Icahn on Mother's Day a few years back.

When Mr. Wolfson said the holiday wasn't a good time for a long business talk, he said Mr. Icahn asked why — "Are you somebody's mother?" — and continued the discussion.

I read somewhere else recently that when Icahn was asked what his hobbies were and what he did to relax, he looked at the questioner with a blank look on his face, then replied, "I don't have any hobbies and I don't know the meaning of the word 'relax.'"

I have no doubt that those words are the honest truth.

The reason I like Icahn is that he makes no bones about who he is or what he does; he doesn't try to make himself more palatable to anyone; he just goes on about his business, doing what he does and making an enormous amount of money as a result.

Shakespeare, in "Hamlet," said it perfectly: "To thine own self be true."

FunFact: To seem smarter than you are, when someone asks who said something reply, very knowingly, "It's from the Bible or Shakespeare."

You'll be right 50% of the time.

Anything to make you look better.

Security Socks

"Ingenious Zip–It™ Sox keep cash, credit cards, ID and hotel room key safe and secure in foreign countries."

Foreign countries?

What about here at home? But I digress.

"Designed with a cleverly concealed zippered pocket on one sock for stashing small valuables out of the sight of pickpockets, these comfortable crew–length socks are ideal for sightseeing, shopping excursions, or a night on the town."

And they'll look sensational with that little Marc Jacobs number you just picked up.

But I digress yet again.

• 80% cotton with nylon and spandex for shape

• Form–fitting arches

• Double–cushioned heels and soles

• Non–ravel tops

• Machine wash and dry

• In black or white

• One size fits women's shoe sizes 4–10.5

$12.85 here.

The men's version fits men's shoe sizes 6–12.5

and costs $12.85 here.

License Plates

Since 1998 David Nicholson of Saco, Maine, has been building a superb online resource about everything to do with automobile license plates.

He's a dedicated collector who not only has put up his tremendous trove of plates but has also annotated them with all manner of interesting arcana.

In addition to a pictorial history of U.S. plates since 1969 he's created a database of Canadian and Mexican plates as well.

The site design and ease of use is impressive.

I happened on his site when reader BT sent me an email with the subject heading "License Plates"; it read, "Is New Mexico the only state that has a yellow background with red writing?"

I honestly didn't know and had written her a reply to that effect when, just before I hit the "send" button I said to myself and my crack research team, "Let's find out."

Which of course means you find out and I'll go chill.

Anyway, they brought back Nicholson's excellent website along with the results of their exhaustive state–by–state, province–by–province study of all the plates on the site.

The answer?

Illinois, for one year only (1970)

had a yellow plate with red writing.

That was the only one outside New Mexico.

Wyoming for a couple years had a yellow and burgundy plate

and Manitoba featured

a purple on yellow one but that's it for North America since 1969.

So you see, no question is too small to provoke great interest and intense effort here at bookofjoe, just as no question is too formidable for us to tackle on your behalf.

Because we never forget our motto: "Can we build one for you?"

Wait a minute... that's not our motto.

"Finger lickin' good."

No, no, that's not it either.

"The relentless pursuit of perfection."

I like it.

So I'm appropriating it.

Sorry, Lexus: see you in court.

Smell Killer

Yet another image (above) of the mother ship (note the Sony Discman below)

masquerading as a tool to help Earthlings live a better life.

We do our best.

But I digress.

From the website:

The Smell Killer neutralizes odors in a 400–square–foot area (that's a 20 x 20–foot room for those of you without a calculator or residual math skills) without the overpowering scent of traditional air fresheners to leave a room remarkably fresh and clean.

Effective on cigarette smoke, cooking smells and even mold, the environmentally–friendly Smell Killer goes straight to the offending source, neutralizing even the most powerful odors.

Made in Germany of glass and stainless steel.

Measures 6.75" in diameter.

But how does it work?

There appears to be water in the bowl.

My guess: the metal in the center reacts with the stinky molecules in the room and then deposits them in the water.

But bookofjoe didn't get to where it is today with guesswork.

I turned this one over to my crack research team, who turned up the following:

"The secret to the Smell Killer lies in its patented design, featuring thousands of microscopic grooves that increase its actual surface area. The device is activated when water is placed in its blue glass bowl. The disk grooves trap the organic molecules that create odors, effectively neutralizing them."

Want more?

Here's a link to a U.K. site selling a larger version; they raved about its effectiveness on the stinky trainers of one of their volunteer testers.

Tell you what: "Don't drink the water" would be my advice unless you're really, really thirsty.

$60 here.

If you'd prefer to pay $49.95 for the same item simply go to amazon and put "smellkiller" in the search box.

More options? No problema: when you visit amazon you'll see a number of different models, starting at $29.95.

True, they're not as striking as the blue glass version but you weren't looking for a work of art, were you?

Maybe you were.

Well, I've been wrong about you before and I'm sure this won't be the last time.

OK, OK — I won't let it happen again anytime soon.

Don't you have anything better to do?

Like maybe some work that you're getting big bucks for?

Sheesh.

Some people....