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October 22, 2005

Vlasic No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins — A pickle without pity

Bnb_bnb_1

Last evening I was at my neighborhood Kroger laying in provisions for the upcoming football–focused weekend (can you believe my beloved UCLA Bruins are still undefeated? "BEAT SC!" — sorry, me lapse) at bookofjoe world headquarters when I espied, where I usually find my favorite sweet pickles in the whole wide world — Vlasic Sweet Gherkins (above), as advertised on the label always "Tiny, Sweet, Crunchy" — Vlasic No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins.

Who moved my pickles?

And did they put them in the cheese section?

But I digress.

I was kind of baffled, standing there staring at the jar of pickles.

How could a sweet pickle have "no sugar added?"

Isn't that an oxymoron?

I mean, did they figure out a way to genetically modify the pickle plant — 'cause that's where pickles come from, everyone knows that — to be sweet instead of bland?

I stood there, transfixed, for a few moments.

Then I emerged from my fugue state and got on with the business at hand.

I decided anything new is worth trying once so I put a jar in my shopping cart.

Now, you're saying, "Hey, stupid — why didn't you just look at the ingredients on the label?"

And I say to you, because that's not how we do things here.

Sentence first, verdict afterwards, as Lewis Carroll wrote so memorably.

I mean, I'm not looking for low–cal or no–cal treats — I just want my MTV and my delicious "tiny, sweet, crunchy" pickles.

Well.

After I got home and unpacked and put them in the fridge I went off to do other stuff (but different from the day before) while they chilled.

A watched pickle never gets cold — everyone knows that.

Then, just now, I tried one.

Yuck!

Horrible!

First of all they don't even look right — the green seems less intense.

The texture's all wrong — they don't crunch right at all, instead being rather soft and bendy in the mouth.

And the taste is Diet Coke gone pickle.

Ugh.

Into the trash with this loser product.

I looked at the label, dear reader, as you wanted me too, before I tossed them: "Sucralose."

Soylent Green

Soylentgreen_1

is more like it.

But you know what?

Others disagree.

October 22, 2005 at 10:01 AM | Permalink


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Comments

I just wonder where I could get these pickeles in Germany? Can someone get me an address or maybe some directions how to make them? Any assistance will be greatly appreciated. Thank You...Helga

Posted by: Helga | Nov 21, 2007 3:53:42 PM

I knew you had a (pickle) chip missing somewhere.
Vlasic dills are the only way to go.
Sweet pickles, sour pickles. Yuk.

Posted by: riannan | Oct 22, 2005 6:09:56 PM

Never tried these, but the "Mt. Olive" brand of no sugar added sweet gherkins are great. I like them "better" than regular ones. Ever looked at the calorie content on regular "sweet" gherkins. I would rather have a candy bar.

Posted by: robby69 | Oct 22, 2005 11:17:52 AM

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