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October 22, 2005

Vlasic No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins — A pickle without pity


Last evening I was at my neighborhood Kroger laying in provisions for the upcoming football–focused weekend (can you believe my beloved UCLA Bruins are still undefeated? "BEAT SC!" — sorry, me lapse) at bookofjoe world headquarters when I espied, where I usually find my favorite sweet pickles in the whole wide world — Vlasic Sweet Gherkins (above), as advertised on the label always "Tiny, Sweet, Crunchy" — Vlasic No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins.

Who moved my pickles?

And did they put them in the cheese section?

But I digress.

I was kind of baffled, standing there staring at the jar of pickles.

How could a sweet pickle have "no sugar added?"

Isn't that an oxymoron?

I mean, did they figure out a way to genetically modify the pickle plant — 'cause that's where pickles come from, everyone knows that — to be sweet instead of bland?

I stood there, transfixed, for a few moments.

Then I emerged from my fugue state and got on with the business at hand.

I decided anything new is worth trying once so I put a jar in my shopping cart.

Now, you're saying, "Hey, stupid — why didn't you just look at the ingredients on the label?"

And I say to you, because that's not how we do things here.

Sentence first, verdict afterwards, as Lewis Carroll wrote so memorably.

I mean, I'm not looking for low–cal or no–cal treats — I just want my MTV and my delicious "tiny, sweet, crunchy" pickles.


After I got home and unpacked and put them in the fridge I went off to do other stuff (but different from the day before) while they chilled.

A watched pickle never gets cold — everyone knows that.

Then, just now, I tried one.



First of all they don't even look right — the green seems less intense.

The texture's all wrong — they don't crunch right at all, instead being rather soft and bendy in the mouth.

And the taste is Diet Coke gone pickle.


Into the trash with this loser product.

I looked at the label, dear reader, as you wanted me too, before I tossed them: "Sucralose."

Soylent Green


is more like it.

But you know what?

Others disagree.

October 22, 2005 at 10:01 AM | Permalink


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I just wonder where I could get these pickeles in Germany? Can someone get me an address or maybe some directions how to make them? Any assistance will be greatly appreciated. Thank You...Helga

Posted by: Helga | Nov 21, 2007 3:53:42 PM

I knew you had a (pickle) chip missing somewhere.
Vlasic dills are the only way to go.
Sweet pickles, sour pickles. Yuk.

Posted by: riannan | Oct 22, 2005 6:09:56 PM

Never tried these, but the "Mt. Olive" brand of no sugar added sweet gherkins are great. I like them "better" than regular ones. Ever looked at the calorie content on regular "sweet" gherkins. I would rather have a candy bar.

Posted by: robby69 | Oct 22, 2005 11:17:52 AM

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