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May 4, 2006

Best and Worst Commercials on VH1 This Month

Gkugkkuhguki

Best: it's not even close — the Arby's ad where the doofus kid taking his driving test destroys the cars in back and front of his while demonstrating his parallel parking skills.

The examiner smiles, gets out of the car, hands the kid his license and the airbag goes off and smashes the idiot back into his seat — ha.

I laugh every time I see it.

Sound is off but it doesn't matter: it's funny as heck anyway, like a Charlie Chaplin movie, and the red Arby's hat superimposed above the examiner's head tells you whom it's for.

True, the ad's not enough to get me to actually drive down Barracks Road to the Arby's on Emmett Street — but it did get me thinking about it, which is saying a lot.

I'm reminded of my first driver's test: what a debacle.

I was 16, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

I took the test in an old Ford with a stick shift.

I wasn't very good on a stick under pressure, it turned out.

My grand finale consisted of pulling into the DMV lot and driving over the concrete stop at the front of the parking spot.

Grade: F

Deservedly so — I wasn't upset.

My next attempt happened a few years later in LA in a friend's classic Mustang (with an automatic).

I still wasn't very good.

In fact I was horrible, so much so that as we were driving to the DMV, (me behind the wheel to warm up) my bud got so agitated and frightened that he started screaming at me to pull over and let him take over and take me back home.

The problem was — and I will never forget it, it was so hilarious and frightening at the same time — that the traffic on Olympic Boulevard in West Los Angeles was so fierce (at least it seemed so to me from where I sat, my sweating hands holding the wheel in a death grip) that I was too afraid to do anything but drive straight ahead in my own lane.

I simply couldn't figure out how to change lanes without having an accident.

Somehow we made it to the DMV.

I was psychologically devastated.

I asked Cary, my great and good friend (still my very best friend in the universe, by the way — go figure) if I could still take the test.

He groaned and said, oh, all right — no way you'll pass, though.

Guess what?

I passed!

When I told Cary he said that was the most frightening thing he'd ever heard.

Ha.

But I digress.

The worst commercial?

Again, not even close, though I suppose that, strictly speaking, it's not a commercial but, rather, a series of promos.

No matter: it's the incessant battering incurred by my ickiness-detecting brain lobe from the snippets of coming attractions featuring VH1's dreadful new reality show, "So NoTORIous," starring Tori Spelling (top).

I am fascinated by how, after untold plastic surgeries by the very best hands money can buy — a real lot of money — she has ended up, at age 32, looking exactly like her father, except with longer hair.

Amazing — in a Bizarro World sense.

But hey — today's only May 4, the month is still young, so the current best and worst may yet be superseded.

Stay tuned — I know I will.

Oh, yeah, one last thing: am I the only one who thinks Tori's co-star, Brennan Hesser, bears a striking resemblance to presidential daughter Jenna Bush?

May 4, 2006 at 04:01 PM | Permalink


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