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July 3, 2006

'Live aboard your boat while at home'

Fordmm

Why go to all the trouble and expense of acquiring and maintaining a boat when you can live the nautical life on the cheap on dry land?

Below, 21 tips on how to simulate a floating palace at home sweet home.

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

3. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Your watch!"

4. Put a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.

5. When taking showers, shut off the water while soaping.

6. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to high.

7. If your basement floods during a sudden thaw, go down and start bailing.

8. Bring inside some type of gas motor (lawn mower, garden tiller, etc), start, and leave running while trying to listen to favorite CD or having an in-depth conversation.

9. If the wind outside is howling, race around the house to make sure all windows and doors are secure. At night, everyone takes a turn on "watch."

10. Place all none-edible garbage in small plastic bags and store in other half of tub (edible garbage to be thrown out the window).

11. Wake up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Cold canned ravioli or soup is optional.

12. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in the pantry, 'fridge or freezer.

13. Once a month pick a major appliance, take it completely apart, and put it back together.

14. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking.

15. Put a fluorescent light under the coffee table and lay there to read a book.

16. Every so often throw the cat in the tub (hot tub, large sink, etc.) and shout, "Man overboard!"

17. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at the wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."

• After distributing this list the first time, I received some additions from Tommy Taggart:

18. With every major windshift, have your alarm go off so you can reset your address.

19. Periodically throw some sand about the house.

20. Cut two legs shorter on each chair.

21. During a squall, wake up, go to the front porch, throw a bucket of cold water in your face, then go back to bed.

[via the Grogono familiy website]

July 3, 2006 at 04:01 PM | Permalink


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Comments

The only real time I spent on any boats was for deep sea fishing, so this may not apply, but it seems like an important one was left out:

Forget to fill prescription for scopolamine. Imbibe six-pack. While wearing roller skates, slide around house with bag of squid and fish guts around neck. Place bucket in front of rocking chair.

Posted by: Flutist | Jul 3, 2006 6:27:00 PM

If anyone questions anything you say, scream, "Never, but never, question the captain's judgement!"

Put thousands upon thousands of dollars in cash in a large paper bag. Wait six months. Take half out and throw it in the ocean. Smile. (After all, the two happiest days in a boater's life...the day you buy your new boat, the day you sell it.

My Dad's favorite...What does BOAT stand for? Bring On Another Thousand.

(But we ate good on our boat. I was just telling someone the other day that I can't be near the water without craving my mother's marinated crab claws and boiled shrimp. And she always had a cheese tray on hand that would have even made Joe proud.)

Posted by: Shawn Lea | Jul 3, 2006 5:33:13 PM

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