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November 13, 2006

How John Bolton can be confirmed — and why it ain't gonna happen


Bolton's become a piñata for the politicians and pundits, who're getting limitless mileage bloviating about whether or not he'll be confirmed by the Senate as U.N. ambassador.

Yo, John, guess what: you could make it happen — but you won't.

Because like all people in a position of power, you're too arrogant to listen to anyone but your own inner voice telling you how right you are and how wrong everyone around you is.

No matter, here is bookofjoe's Easy Guide To Confirmation™.

1) Lose the ridiculous mustache that makes you look like a goofy walrus: when people laugh at you, you're already lost.

2) Get a haircut — pretending you're still in high school, with that reverse mullet flopping down over your forehead, amplifies the silliness of your walrus look.

3) Comb your hair nicely, like a normal old white man in a suit.

4) Lose the wire-rim spectacles and get something that looks nice — and while you're at it, drop the yellow-tinted lenses: they're creepy and make you look suspicious and even more weird.

Do all of the above and you'll be a new person.

The Senate hates the old Bolton: look new, be new, get confirmed.

So easy, so simple that even I could do it.

But that's just the problem: you're not me.

You're much too smart to listen to me.

That's why you're going down.

I tried.

And no, I won't be sending you a bill for this advice.

After all, it's worth precisely what you paid for it.

If there's one thing I do, it's give good value.

November 13, 2006 at 02:01 PM | Permalink


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he has been abolutely exemplary in his service. i cannot understand how his tenure can be viewed as anything but a complete success.

Posted by: DanO | Dec 12, 2006 3:50:29 AM

Everytime I see Bolton, Im convinced that Julia Child gave Wilfred Brimley a private cooking lesson several moons ago....some sort of flambe with a Bumped Ugly sauce, no doubt.

Posted by: Tim | Nov 13, 2006 6:04:06 PM

I wonder about him also. Yet, he must say the correct thing to the people that he cares about.

Posted by: matt | Nov 13, 2006 3:35:30 PM

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