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August 21, 2018

Movie Theaters, Masochism and Me — 19 Reasons I'll Never Go Back


It's been a long time since I've seen a film in a theater and the longer it goes, the smaller the chance I'll ever visit one again.

A few of the zillion reasons watching on TV is way better:

1) Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime are a lot cheaper, considering all that's available to watch, than a movie ticket

2) Buying one sometimes required me to stand outside in crummy weather waiting in line as confused patrons and cashiers tried to sort themselves out

3) That's after having to drive there and park a quarter mile away and walk to the box office, oftimes forgetting where I parked and irritating me when I just wanted to get back home afterwards ASAP

4) Even renting on Apple TV costs far less

5) My movie starts whenever I want

6) If I get sleepy I can pause it and go to bed and resume tomorrow night

7) It's always perfectly quiet — no talkers/eaters/wrapper crunchers/phones ringing

8) Nobody comes in and chooses my row and steps on my feet and makes me readjust myself, nor does anyone get up at a crucial moment to use the bathroom or visit the snack bar

9) No tall person decides to sit right in front of me, forcing me to lean to one side to see the entire screen

10) It's pitch black — no stupid aisle LEDs/bright EXIT signs in my field of view/overhead lighting bright enough to read by/lit up phone screens with people texting

11) The movie's always in focus — remember when everyone in the audience would scream "FOCUS" during the coming attractions while the idiotstick high school kid running the projector was reading Mad magazine instead of paying attention?

12) The sound is always just right — and I can turn down the volume as needed, especially when the music gets scary and I know something bad's about to happen...

13) The movie stops when I need to go to the bathroom/take a break/get a snack/write a note to self

14) I can go back and rewatch things that I didn't hear clearly or understand the first time

15) The snacks are infinite in variety and they always have the ones I like — and they're much cheaper and I don't have to buy a year's supply

16) My favorite chair — soft leather, worn in by me over 35 years to sublime perfection, precisely centered at just the right viewing distance — is way better than any airline first class seat, much less "luxury" theatre accomodations (bonus: my blankie)

17) No sticky floors!

18) I can wear my pjs and go barefoot

19) Best of all, and the dealbreaker (as if one were needed at this point): Gray Cat comes and snuggles on my lap for the duration





August 21, 2018 at 10:01 AM | Permalink


Temperature. You control the temperature.

Posted by: Kay Wimman | Aug 28, 2018 8:09:41 PM

As I was making my way through your list, I kept thinking "what about the cat?".

And there, number 19: Gray Cat!

Posted by: Luke | Aug 24, 2018 7:32:47 AM

Having a drink (alcohol) or a joint during said movie isn't a problem at home!

Posted by: UpInSmoke | Aug 21, 2018 10:33:15 AM

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